Calico
by Blackbird
Summary: After a theft gone wrong, Catwoman spends the night drinking away with a friend and the night takes an unusual turn for both of them


**Disclaimer: **_The Characters from "The Batman" are owned by DC Comics, Warner Bros., Bob Kane and God knows how many other people by now. This is a story done purely for fun and not to make profit whatsoever. Any original characters that may appear belong to the writer and can be used with permission. _

**Calico**

The Pop Art exhibit in the Gotham Antiquities Museum was designed by the museum's owners to try and attract a "younger and hipper" crowd. Unfortunately, it seemed much better was attracting the "late night" crowd. The kind that comes in long after everyone else, including the employees, had left and usually entered through rather unorthodox places. Such as the large skylight in the middle of the exhibit. In the stillness of the darkened room, a long rope slowly dropped down from the skylight until it gently touched the tiled floor below. A sultry figured wrapped in black then carefully slid down the rope, staying out of sight of the security cameras as it did so. Once its slender feet gingerly touched the floor next to the puddled rope, the figure gave it a quick yank to unwind the top from the girder it had been safely tied so that it fell into waiting hands. The black clad criminal then stuffed the rope into a satchel around it's waist before it started to weave it's way in and out of the shadows. It stopped only when it reached it's goal on the other side of the room.

Darkly painted lips spread into an excited smirk as Catwoman eyed her prize. There are on the wall in front of her hung a framed, original Franko Van Frank black and white photograph of a tabby kitten crawling over a large can of tomato soup. It wasn't much bigger than a postcard and to be honest she really didn't see how it classified as art.

_I've taken better pictures of my own cats at home,_ she thought with small shake of her head. _Still, the price this is going for is just right. So while I may not know art, I do know what I like and momma definitely likes that price tag. _

With that, she slowly reached out for the picture with the intent on looking for the alarm sensors no doubt tied to it. Unfortunately, before even her finger tips could touch the wall, the piercing sound of the alarm broke the silence of the supposedly empty museum and caused her to jump up in surprise.

"Okay, _I_ didn't do that!" she shouted to no one as she glared angrily up at the flashing lights going off all around her. Her frustrations grew even stronger when a series of steel bars started to drop down over the priceless pictures and paintings hanging on the walls. She reached out for the Van Frank in front of her but had to pull her hand back for fear of losing it when the bars slammed down over it.

"No!" she growled as hit the bars in frustration. She then sighed and took a few steps. "Well _that's_ a bust. Time for this kitty to make her exit."

She ran back towards the skylight she had entered through but found it closed off by a pair of steel shutters. She grumbled under her breath then went to look for another way out. During her mad dash, she looked around for any guards foolish enough to try to stop her, or worse yet, any sign of Batman and his annoying teen sidekicks. Although running into Batman alone in a dark, moonlit museum didn't sound like _that_ bad an idea, she really wasn't in the mood to deal with his "holier-than-thou" attitude at the moment. All she wanted to do was get home and maybe soak in the tube while she sulked about losing her prize.

That plan quite literally came crashing to the ground, however, when she turned the door and ran headlong into a red and black shape that knocked her onto the floor. She groaned and rubbed her now sore head as she focused on the curvaceous shape laying in front of her.

"Harley?" she shouted in surprised.

"Catwoman?" the clownish woman squeaked back.

"What are _you_ doing here?" they asked each other as they stood back up.

"I was here gettin' this!" Harley explain then quickly hauled as small painting up in front of her face.

Catwoman was taken aback by the sudden action but her surprise quickly ebbed when she got a good look at the painting. It was of a sad, crying clown on a black velvet background. It was tacky, not very well done, completely unnecessary, and yet seemed perfectly suited for the henchwoman. A suspicion that was easily confirmed when Harley picked her head around the painting's frame with a wide, cheery grin that seemed to somehow both contradict yet compliment the sad clown in the painting.

"Ain't it just adorable?" she squealed cheerfully.

Catwoman sighed and placed her face in her palm.

"Yeah, Harley it's...great," she mumbled.

"So? What are you doing here?" the other woman asked as if they were talking over lunch.

"Well _I _came to get an original Von Frank and I almost had it too before _someone_ set off the alarm, _Harley_," she growled pointedly at her follow criminal.

Harley looked offended for a moment. "Well how was _I_ suppose ta know they'd have touch sensors on tha walls?"

The feline felon sighed again. "A good henchwoman you may be Harley but a good thief you are not."

"I think she ran over that way!" another voice called out from around the corner, signaling the imminent arrival of security.

"We'll talk about it later, let's just get out of here!" Catwoman said quickly as she grabbed Harley's right wrist and dragged her along as she ran down the other hallway.

"Ow! Hey! Watch it!" Harley protested as she tried to keep up. "Where we goin' anyway?"

"There should be a back exit around here somewhere," she answered as she scanned the area.

Her instincts proved correct and they found the rear exit when they rounded the corner. Smirking to herself, Catwoman let go of Harley's wrist so she could increase her speed and ram into the metal latch bar with all her force. Unfortunately, this action only caused a loud, metallic thud sound to echo throughout the hall along with her pained scream as the door refused to move. She rubbed her sore shoulder with a grimace as she stepped back from the dull grey door.

"That usually works," she muttered to herself.

"Allow me," Harley offered as she stepped forward and quickly handed Catwoman the painting.

She then reached up inside her jester hat and pulled out a small grenade with a white and green smiley face painted on it. She pulled the pin out and set it on top of the hand bar then casually turned back to her unlikely partner-in-crime with an easy smile.

"Take cover," she said softly before she sprinted a few feet away.

Catwoman's eyes widened in panic before she turned and dove to the floor, holding the painting over her head for protection. A loud bang filled the hallway a second later as the grenade exploded and flung the door open with enough force to smash it against the outside of the building with a thunderous metal clang. The black glad thief growled as she picked herself up and glared at the clown garbed woman.

"You know, Harley, there _is_ such a thing as subtlety," she chided as she shoved the painting into the women's amble chest.

"Eh, I never had much use for it," Harley simply shrugged off.

"Obviously," Catwoman grumbled under her breath.

She turned to the door and they were both about to leave when the sound of a gun being cocked caught their ears. They turned to find a trembling, panting, sweating, and doughy looking security guard staring anxiously at them at the other end of the hallway.

"H-hold it right there you two," he ordered as he tried to keep the fear out of his voice.

"Aaaw honey, you don't wanna shoot us, do ya?" Harley asked in a sweet voice as she took a step towards the guard.

"Well...n-no but I will if I have to," he stated even as his hand started to shake a bit.

"Or you could just let us go so we don't have ta hurt ya," she offered.

"I...I...I..."

"Oh for..." Catwoman sighed.

She walked up to Harley and snatched the painting out of her hand then tossed it Frisbee style at the guard. He dropped his gun to try to catch it but the sudden impact of the painting, along with his own clumsiness, caused him to crash to the floor.

"Hey, I was stealin' that!" Harley protest.

"Believe me, I did you a favor," Catwoman told her before she grabbed her wrist again. "Now let's go!"

The ran out the door and down the alleyway until they nearly reached the end. When they stopped, Catwoman let go of Harley so she could slip behind a stack of wooden crates next to the wall of the museum. The clownish woman placed her hands on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently.

"So we're out but how are we gonna get away from here? What we gonna use 'Crate Power'?" she asked sarcastically.

The answer to her question came in the form of an engine revving up powerfully before Catwoman rode out from behind the crates on a sleek, black motorcycle. She stopped and looked over her shoulder at Harley with a smirk.

"Actually I was thinking something a little faster," she remarked with another rev of the engine.

Harley blinked for a second but then smirked as she walked over to the bike and climbed on behind her follow rouge.

"Well normally I prefer Harleys but I can make an exception this one time," she mused.

The thief rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Knock it off with the lame jokes and just hold on."

She gave the engine one more rev before she zoomed out of the alleyway and into the nighttime Gotham traffic. Harley let out a small squeal at the sudden acceleration then wrapped her arms tightly around Catwoman's waist and pressed herself into her back. Catwoman's head titled up a bit at the sensation of what exactly was being pressed into her.

"Geez Harley, you ever considered getting those things reduced?" she question of the roar of the engine.

"Hey you don't mess with God's work honey!" Harley shot back a bit indignantly. "Besides _you're_ one to talk. I still can't figure out how you do all those flips and leaps with _these_!"

She emphasized her point by reached up and giving Catwoman's own ample breasts a gentle squeeze. Catwoman let out a shocked scream in response and the distraction caused her to jerk the handlebars roughly to the left which placed them in the other lane and right into the path of an incoming semi truck. This time they both screamed before she yanked the bars in the other direction and put them in the correct lane just before the truck hit them. They breathed heavily for a moment before Catwoman glared at Harley as best she could over her shoulder.

"Don't. _Do_. That!" she growled angrily.

"Sorry," Harley whispered as she lowered her hands back down to her partner's waist.

They rode in silence a bit further before Harley spoke again.

"You didn't answer my question," she noted.

"They act as a ballast," was the only answer Catwoman gave her.

They continued on for a few more miles in relative silence before Catwoman turned down a side street which eventually lead them a more rundown, and mostly abandoned, block of the city. Harley looked around at the cracked, broken streets and matching buildings in slight disgust before she spoke up.

"So kitty cat, where exactly are we going?" she asked impatiently.

"I have a safe house around here. We can stay there until we're sure the cops and Batman have stopped looking for us," she explained.

"Why here?" Harley asked, gesturing around at the less than ideal surroundings.

"Well, being that I'm known for stealing high class items I figured this would be the last place someone would look for me."

"Good point. I definitely wouldn't."

"See? It works," Catwoman smirked.

She stopped in front of one of the rundown buildings and pressed a button on the handle bars to her motorcycle. Harley watched in fascination as a small section the wall split open and slid back to reveal a small garage. When the bike pulled inside, she saw that the only other vehicle occupying the space was a small, red, sporty car looked surprisingly plain.

"What's that one for?" she asked, jerking her thumb towards the car.

"For when I don't want to look so conspicuous," Catwoman answered as she parked the bike next to it.

The garage door closed behind them as they got off the motorcycle then walked over to a service elevator at the other end of the garage. Once they stepped inside, Catwoman closed the old, slightly rusted steel cage and pressed one of only two metal buttons on the panel. The rickety elevator shook and creaked with age as it them up a single floor. Harley nearly fell over when it ground to a halt but Catwoman was quick to catch her.

"Sorry, forgot to tell you this thing has a bit of a kick when it stops," she explained as she helped her regain her balance.

"No kidding," Harley muttered and righted herself.

"Well regardless, welcome to my home away from home," Catwoman said as she pulled open the outer door.

It opened up into a large studio apartment sparingly furnished. Still what little furniture there was, was all rather high end even if they were just the essentials. To the immediate right of the elevator was a queen sized bed with what looked to be black satin sheets and a nicely polished wooden headboard. Next to it was a matching dresser and a set of mirrored closet doors.

They stepped out of the elevator onto the creaky hardwood floors and towards the middle of the apartment that functioned as the living room. A large, flat screen TV sat in a wooden entertainment center placed just behind a glass coffee table and a wide, suede couch. Off to the left side of the "living room" was a computer desk with a laptop in between neatly filed papers and envelops. The side of the set they were on had a long, wooden table pressed up against the wall where Catwoman paused to set down her satchel and whip. She then lifted her goggles to take off her mask, but stopped when she remembered she wasn't alone. She cast a weary glance over at her partner in crime.

"Hey Harley, can I trust you if I take my mask off?" she asked bluntly.

Harley looked genuinely offended by the question.

"Of course ya can!" she exclaimed indignantly. "Remember what we told Brat Girl? We stick together and have a code of honor among us thieves."

Catwoman was not only taken aback by Harley's answer, but also a little ashamed since she wasn't being all the truthful during that particular situation. Still something about the cheerful woman's reply put her at ease and she smiled a bit.

"That's true. Sorry, it can get easy to get a little paranoid in our line of work," she explained.

"Eh don't worry about it," Harley dismissed with a wave. "Besides, who am I gonna tell?"

"Good point," Catwoman nodded.

She then slipped off her mask and set it down next to her whip and satchel before she reached up and removed the pin in her hair to let her long, black locks flow freely again. She shook her head to work out some of the tangles as she let out a sigh of relieve.

"_Much_ better," she purred. "I tell ya, as much as I like the costumed life, that mask can get a little stuff from time-to-time."

"Hey you should try wearing face paint all the time," Harley retorted as she pointed to her white painted face. "The stuff strong enough not ta run when you're sweatin' all the time hardly breaths at all."

"Well if you want to wipe it off, bathroom's right there," Catwoman offered, jerking her thumb to the door next to the long table.

"Ooh thanks!" the other woman replied happily as she quickly pulled open the door.

She tucked inside the bathroom but quickly stuck her head back out to look at the raven haired cat burglar again.

"By the way, you don't have to worry about me telling people your identity, cause I don't even know who you are," she chirped in her usual cheery tone.

Catwoman blinked a bit at the statement but then quickly chuckled in amusement.

"I guess not," she remarked with a shake of her head. "For now let's just stay with Selina."

"'Selina', eh? Ah it's a good name. I like it!"

"So glad you approve," the black suited woman said with a roll of her eyes before she moved over to the couch.

She grabbed the TV remote off the coffee table as she sat down on the couch. The clicked the flat screen on and began to flip through the channels in a vain attempt to find something interesting on at this late hour. A few minutes later the bathroom door opened again and Harley stepped out with her make up washed off and holding her jester hat and mask. She placed them down on the table next to Catwoman's mask then moved over to the couch and flopped down on the other side of it.

"So what do we do now?" she asked as she propped her legs up on the coffee table.

"Pretty much this. Just sit back, wait til the heat dies down and see, if anything, is on TV," Selina answered as she continued to flip through the channels.

"Sounds good. Mind if I channel surf for awhile?"

"Knock yourself out," she remarked as she handed over the remote.

Harley eagerly snatched the remote out of her hand and immediately began to flip through the channels at a break neck pace. Selina stared in disbelief for a second before she shook her head then rested it on her hand as she watched the numbers pass by.

"Do you even know what you're looking for?" she asked in a flat tone.

"There are a couple good shows on the local channels this time at night," Harley explained. "Course they ain't as good as _my_ show used ta be." Her face scrunched up at the memory of her humiliating firing. "Stupid producers firing me for making fun of stupid Bruce Wayne. _I_ didn't do anything wrong! _He_ was the one who broke those girls hearts! I was just making him face justice!"

"Yeah that _was_ a bad call on their parts," Selina agreed.

The blonde's expression quickly changed from vengeful to elated at the comment. Her blue eyes sparkled brightly with interest as she whipped her head towards her companion.

"You watched my show?" she squeaked in excitement.

"Just that one episode actually," Selina was quick to point out as she tried to edge further away from the slightly deranged woman only to be stopped by the arm of the couch. "It's usually not my thing, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to see old stuffed shirt Wayne humiliated."

The look in Harley's eyes changed again, this time to a look of interest as she smelled fresh gossip.

"Oooh? And why so mad at the 'esteemed' Mr. Wayne?" she asked with a wicked smile. "Did he stand _you_ up on a date as well?"

Selina scoffed. "Please! I should be so lucky. No, the _real _problem is he's a world class bore. Not to mention his unbelievable lack of taste."

"So how did you two meet?" Harley asked as she sat up straight and crossed her legs.

She then folded her hands on her lap in a professional manner that, quite frankly, Selina never believed the woman capable of. Though the more she studied the blonde's demeanor the more she realized it was the kind of pose someone would _think_ a psychiatrist might take. That seemed more in line with what she knew about Harley. Still she decided to indulge her.

"It's nothing _that_ scandalous," she remarked then mused over that comment. "At least as far as people like us are concerned. I was scoping out a Gotham high society event, looking for my next mark when Wayne caught my eye. Figured with him being the youngest one there he might have something valuable that was worth stealing." She paused to shake her head with a disappointed sigh. "But nope! Not a thing. Like I said, _complete_ lack of taste. And the one thing he _did_ have that was worth taking he sold to some stupid museum."

She growled a bit at the memory of how she lost the Cat's Eyes gems. She propped her head back up on her hand then spared another glance over at Harley.

"Well there ya have it," she said with a half hearted wave. "My scandalous 'relationship' with Bruce Wayne."

"Oh," Harley replied, disappointment evident in her voice.

She uncrossed her legs and placed them back on the coffee table as she resumed her relaxed position before flipping through the channels again. Eventually her expression perked up again as she stopped on one of the local channels.

"Oooh hey, this is a good show!" she exclaimed cheerfully.

Selina cocked an eyebrow at the term 'good show' as she stared at the screen. Featured predominately was a man in a cheap suit of varying shades of black, including matching gloves, and a reflective skull faced masked that looked even cheaper than the suit. Probably something they got on discount in a Halloween store. He was standing in the middle of a set that was clearly part of someone's basement with plastic skulls, rats, bats and candelabra scattered throughout. Although she was fairly sure the cobwebs were real. In the midst of all these gothic props were stacks of film reels and canisters that looked old and dusty. Again she wasn't sure if that was for effect or if it was real. Either way the entire thing looked completely cheesy.

"What _is_ this?" she asked.

"Welcome, dear friends, to another edition of The Film Vault," the man on screen answered for her in a clearly fake British accent. "I am, of course, the Master of Ceremonies here again to bring you another spine tingling film that will chill you to your very bones."

"Oh we are _not_ watching this!" Selina protested.

"Come on it's fun!" Harley defended, holding the remote away from Selina's reach. "This guy shows all sorts of really bad horror movies that are great to make fun of."

"I'm not really in the mood to watch something bad even if we _can_ make fun of it. Now turn it."

"At least let me see what move he's gonna show."

Selina sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine."

Despite knowing better, she still turned her attention to the television as "The Master of Ceremonies" began to drone on again in his completely over the top manner.

"Tonight, my children, we have a truly terrifying movie. One that is infamous for it's ability to inspire horror into any who watch it because of it's...unique story telling. A movie that once it is seen, it cannot be unseen. Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing _displeasure_ tonight I present you with...Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room'."

Harley suddenly burst out in a loud, amused laughter as she clapped her hands together excitedly.

"Yes! This is gonna be great!" she cheered between giggles.

Selina, however, looked completely lost.

"I have no idea what this movie is," she confessed.

"Oh it's _great_!" the blonde assured her with a wide grin. "It's a movie that's so bad it's great! I mean this guy had _no idea_ how to make a movie or even how ta act! It's hilarious!"

The black haired women looked unconvinced.

"Uh...huh," she simple nodded in further confusion.

"Oh and he has the really weird accent that no one knows where it's from or no one even talks about in the movie," Harley continued to explain undeterred. "So it makes his bad delivery ever better. It's something like this..."

She then sat straight up again before she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths as part of an old actor's exercise. After a few seconds she opened her eyes again and Selina was surprised to see a bit of...despair in them. Like someone had really hurt her.

"You are tearing me ah-PART Selina!" she suddenly yelled in a _very_ hammy, off key sort of way with some kind of indistinguishable accent.

Despite not knowing the context of the quote, Selina couldn't help but chuckle at Harley's over the top interpretation of the movie scene, which from what the blonde told her wasn't far off from the actual thing.

"So it's pretty much _all_ like that?" she asked.

"Yep! Like I said it's just hilarious!" Harley reiterated.

"I'm sure but I'm still not up for something bad. If you want to watch a movie I actually have the movie channels so we could watch something descent."

The clown's expression quickly fell from a cheerful one into a pouting one.

"Awww...you mean you don't wanna watch it and make fun of it?" she whined.

"Maybe...maybe some other time," Selina assured her, not really sure how to handle the sudden change in temper.

Harley's expression quickly changed back to its happy demeanor it was just a few seconds ago.

"Alright!" she chirred. "So which channels are the movie ones?"

"120 I think is where they start and just go from there."

As the blonde pressed in the buttons and started to channel surf once more, Selina found herself studying her companion. Despite having worked with her a few times in the past she really didn't know all that much about Harley aside from the her old talk show and that she's the Joker's girlfriend apparently. She shuddered at that thought.

"_The Joker's girlfriend", _she repeated in her head. _Something about that just sounds _wrong_! Especially for someone like her. Granted Harley's a bit...flighty but she seems smart enough to know that hanging around the Joker is bad news for anyone let alone someone claiming to be his girlfriend. I just don't get it. She could definitely do a lot better than _that_ lunatic!_ _What does she see in him?_

Deciding the best way to get an answer to her question was to just ask the woman, Selina waited until Harley finally stopped on a channel before speaking up. Fittingly enough it seemed she turned it to some cheesy romantic comedy.

_Good a background as any for this topic I suppose,_ she mused internally. Aloud she asked, "Harley, can I ask you something a little personal?"

"Sure sweetie, ask away," Harley asked cheerfully, turning her attention fully to the black clad woman.

"Well I was just wondering...why the hell are you even with The Joker?" Selina asked bluntly.

The other woman seemed a bit surprised by the question but she quickly pursed her lips and tapped her chin in an exaggerated fashion as she thought it over. After a few seconds she dropped her hand and just shrugged.

"I just am. I mean he _is_ pretty funny after all," she stated.

"Yeah, _that's_ debatable," Selina muttered.

Harley gave her a confused look. "You don't think he's funny?"

"No. I don't. I think he's a complete psychopath who gets off on hurting people and I just can't see how you even stand being around him."

"Oh he's not _that_ bad," she said with a dismissive wave.

Selina stared at her compatriot in complete and utter shock.

"Yes. _Yes_ he _is_!" she insisted quite strongly. "You _have_ to see that! I mean you're a little bit out there but you're not dumb!"

The blonde's eyebrows narrowed indignantly as she glared at her so called "friend" in barely constrained rage.

"Well at least _I'M_ not the one trying ta date the Bat!" she snapped back angrily.

Selina sat up straight to return the glare.

"I am _not_ trying to date Batman!" she growled.

"Oh please! I saw you during that fight with his little sidekick and everyone else when we're all kidnaped by Rumor. You barely lifted a finger against either of them! Not to mention you were the only one who got away scott free. I wonder how _that_ happened, huh?" Harley asked pointedly, crossing her arms under her ample chest and leaning toward the other villainess a bit.

"Because cats are good at sneaking in and out of places," Selina replied in a cocky tone as she folded her arms under her chest as well. "I _will_ admit I've flirted with Batman a few times to throw him off his game, and he is kind of cute, but he's _far_ too much of a stick in the mud for me to take a _real_ interest in."

"So you _are_ interested in him!" the female clown shouted while pointing an accusing finger at her.

"I hardly think _you're _in any position to judge the guys _I'm_ interested in."

"At least _I'm_ not the one trying to date someone dressed as a bat."

"No _you're_ the one dating a psychotic clown who'd more than likely leave you to die in a fire to save himself than help you," Selina pointed out.

"No he wouldn't!" Harley stated vehemently but then looked away as she remembered something. "Well...there _was_ that one time when we first started workin' together..."

"See?" the cat burglar remarked with a slightly triumphant smirk. "Strict as he may be, at least I can count on Batman to help me when the chips are down. Can you _honestly_ say that about The Joker?"

The blonde looked increasingly unsure as she drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them close.

"Honestly?" she asked in a tiny voice. "Not...really..."

Seeing that she had distressed the usually chipper woman, Selina's expression softened and she relaxed her posture a bit with a long sigh.

"Look I didn't-" she started but then stopped with a shake of her head. "You know what? If we're gonna do this , we're gonna do it right."

With that she stood up and walked to the small kitchen set behind the living room area. She opened the fridge and, after a quick search, pulled out a bottle of wine then fished out to wine glasses from the cupboard. She then sashayed back to the couch, balancing the glasses in one hand while holding the bottle in the other. She set a glass down in front of Harley before she sat next to her and set down a glass for herself.

"Now _this_ is how you're supposed to talk about man problems," Selina smirked as she popped the top of wine bottle.

She poured a glass for Harley then one for herself before setting the bottle back down. The two women picked up their respective glasses and Selina held hers up towards her companion a bit.

"To the problems men give us," she purposed.

"I'll drink ta that," Harley agreed before she clinked her glass with Selina's and took a sip. "Hmmm...not bad though usually I go for red wine."

"Well unfortunately this is all I have," the cat burglar replied quickly.

"No, no, it's fine. I'll just make sure to bring my own bottle next time."

"Next time? Plan making this a regular thing?"

Harley shrugged. "Sure, why not? We don't always have to be on the run from the cops or Batman to hang out, do we?"

Selina took a sip of her wine as she thought that over.

"I suppose not," she nodded. "You sure 'Mistah J' isn't gonna mind?"

Harley took a long sip off her glass as she leaned back against the couch. After drinking about half the glass she finally pulled it back from her lips and glance over at Selina.

"Eh, what he doesn't know won't hurt him," she said with a shrug. "Or me."

"That's the spirit! Now drink up!" the cat burglar cheer as she pulled some more wine into her friend's glass. "Tonight it's about a good old fashion bitchfest about the horrible guys in our lives!"

"Yeah, screw those jerks!" Harley agreed before she took another drink from her glass.

During the course of the next several hours, and two bottles of wine, the two villainesses listed off the many problems they had with those who could be considered their "significant others". Their drunken diatribes ran the gambit from obscenity filled rants to sobbing confessions and back again. Currently they settled into a nice belligerent tirade.

"And whash wit his hair?" Harley stammered as she waved her hands wildy in a vague hairlike motion. "All Rash-taferin...Rashaha...furintan...dreadlocks! And jesher hat. Shupid!"

"Yeah. _Really _shupid!" Selina agreed, waving the wine bottle around by the neck. "Like Baddman! Waz his problem, huh? All grim and gritty. Won't even look at me twice! Look at me!" she pointed to herself with shaky hands. "I fill out this shuit nichly! I'm shexy dammit!"

"Damn shkippy you are!"

"Thas right!" the raven haired woman slurred in agreement as she tried to poor the very last drop of wine into her glass.

She frowned when nothing came out then set the bottle and glass on the coffee table before spread down on the couch, laying her head in Harley's lap. The blonde responded to this surprising invasion of personal space by running her hand through the long, ebony locks on her friend's head. Selina out a content moan that sounded remarkably like a cat's purr. She tried to look up at the other woman's face with her bleary eyes but a couple of things obscured her hazy vision.

"Man Harl, you're boobs are _huge_!" she stated with a drunken giggle.

"Yep, yep they are," Harley stammered proudly with a sloppy smile. "Two of my besh attrib...butes."

"But you can't really shee how huuuuuge they are causa this thing," Selina remarked as she absently batted at one of the small white balls hanging down from Harley's oversized clown collar.

The other villainess looked down at her and let out a drunk laugh of her own.

"You look like a cat," she quipped as she scratched behind Selina's ear for added effect.

"Cause I 'em," she replied lazily. "Thash why I'm Catwoman."

"Ooooooh."

There was a moment of silence between them.

"You're drunk," Selina giggled.

"_You're_ drunk!" Harley shot back with a giggle of her own.

"We're both drunk. Which means we should go to bed. Shoo lemme up!"

"Hey, hey, hey, _you're_ on _me_! _You_ let _me_ up!"

Selina let out a groan of protest but still tried to pull herself up off Harley and the couch. Unfortunately, because of her drunken state, her efforts were less than successful and she ended up sliding off the couch. Thankfully she was able to turn and catch herself on her hands and knees, a move that greatly amused the blonde clown.

"Nice catch," she cheered with a slowly, unsteady clap.

"Hey, catsh alwaysh land on their feet," Selina countered before she slowly pulled herself up on her wobbly feet.

She took a few shaky steps past the couch before she turned and held out a hand to Harley.

"Come on," she encouraged with a small wave of her hand.

Harley looked up at her in drunken confusion. "Huh?"

"Bed. Go. Now."

"But I could just shleep here," she relied, patting the couch cushion next to her.

"Nah nah nah nah!" Selina waved off instantly. "Bed's big enough for both of ush. Shleep in bed!"

"Kay. If you inshist," she muttered as she slowly held a hand up.

"I do! I do!"

With that, Selina wrapped her fingers around Harley's hand and pulled her up so she was standing as well. It only lasted for a fraction of a second, however, as the blonde's wobbly feet gave out on her and she fell against the other woman. Selina let out a surprised gasp then wrapped her arms under her friend's arms to keep them both upright. Somehow this simple action set off another series of laughter from the two drunken criminals before they stumbled their way over to the bed. They just barely made it to the bed before they toppled over and crashed down on it and bounced a few times. They laid perfectly still for several seconds, their bodies sprawled halfway off the mattress before the finally found the strength to crawl into much more comfortable positions. Again they laid in half asleep silence before Harley propped herself unsteadily up on her arms to look down at Selina.

"Sho...sho...if these guys are sho bad...why do we keep wit 'em?" she slurred.

"Becaushe we have lousy tastes in men," Selina waved off.

"Then why bother wit 'em?"

The cat burglar's face scrunched up in confusion as her dazed mind tried to process what Harley was saying. She propped herself up on her own arms to look into her friends eyes before she spoke again.

"Wh-what are you shaying?" she asked unsurely.

"I'm shaying we don't gotta be with men. That's jush, like, shociety shaying we should be, right?"

Selina thought about that for a moment then nodding. "Yeah tha's right. Screw shociety!"

"Right on!" Harley cheered and threw a fist in the air, though it almost caused her to fall back down.

Selina reached out to catch her even though she had righted herself by then. They stared at their linked hands for a moment before they slowly moved their gazes up to each others' eyes. Though glassy, and slightly red, from the wine they both silently noticed for the first time that their eye colors were almost similar. It seemed that Harley's were just a shade lighter than Selina's. The other thing they noticed was a growing desire in them. One no doubt spurred on by the alcohol but they were too far gone to fight it. Their hearts pounded rapidly as they slowly began to move towards each other. They slowly closed their eyes and Selina even tilted her head in anticipation. Their breathing grew slightly quickly as their lips parted just slightly. Soon they were mere inches away from each other and they could feel the other's hot breath on their waiting lips. They were so close they could practically _taste _the other now and the growing tension made their already unstable bodies shake just a bit more. Though their eyes were closed they could feel that they were closing the gap even more and soon enough...

Harley's arm gave out and she collapsed back onto the bed with a started squeak. Selina let out a surprised gasp of her own as the sudden movement threw her off balance and she fell onto Harley's well endowed chest. Though they both let out groans of protest, their eyes remained shut and they suddenly realized their bodies were very heavy which made it hard to move. The last few movements they made was for Selina to stretch her arm around Harley's waist while Harley laid her hand gently on the small of Selina's back, right above her shapely rear.

The rest of the night was lost to a deep, alcohol fueled sleep.

( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - )

The next morning Selina let out a loud, pained groan as she reluctantly woke up. The first thing she noticed the blind pain shooting through her skull. A pain she hadn't felt since at least college and even then she didn't remember it being _this_ bad.

_The _wonders_ of age,_ she thought irritably.

As she began to wake up more, the second thing she noticed was that her head was _not_ on her pillow. It was definitely laying on something soft and squished, and yet surprisingly firm, but it wasn't her pillow. She really wasn't quite sure _what_ it was. It certainly felt somewhat familiar but her pain wrecked mind couldn't remember where she had felt that sensation before. She decided the best way to solve the mystery was just to look at the thing and so she tried to force her eyes open.

At first she tired opening her eyes at once, but the blinding pain of the light searing into them force her to quickly shut them again. She let out an irritated groan and tried again, this time slowly opening them to let them get adjusted to the light. When she finally did get them opened fully, the world still remained blurry for several seconds and the only thing she could see before her was a black and white blob. She stared at it intently as her tired mind tried to make out the strange shape. As her vision slowly cleared it took on a much more distinctive shape. It was curved and looked like it was actually moving up and down slowly. In fact, now that she thought about it, it seemed the thing she was laying on was also moving up and down in a soft, rhythmic pattern.

It was at this point that she finally realized there was also an odd sound just above her ear. Like the movement of the thing in front of her it was soft and steady and produced a hot feeling on the side of her face. As she began to wake up more and more, her mind slowly put it all together with the few flashes of what she could remember last night. Finding her strength she slowly inclined her head upwards to stare into the face of...

"Harley?" Selina shouted in utter shock and horror.

"GAH! I'm awake!" Harley shouted as she sprang upright in surprise.

Unfortunately, the sudden movement caught Selina by surprise and she didn't have time to move out of the way as the blonde's forehead collided with hers. They each let out a shout of pain as Harley fell back onto the pillows and Selina fell back on top of her.

"Thanks Harley, it's not like my head hurt enough as it is," the black haired woman growled.

"Hey it didn't feel like a massage to me either sweetie," Harley shot back.

Selina continued to grumble for a bit more before she felt another odd sensation.

"Is that your hand on my ass?" she asked flatly.

Harley inclined her head to the right to see that she was indeed holding onto the other woman's backside. She let out a small, embarrassed squeak before quickly jerking her hand away.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"Yeah well...sorry for using your breast as a pillow," Selina muttered as she pulled herself up into a sitting position. She then held her head as even that simple movement made the pounding start up again. "_This_ is why I haven't had a full on drinking night in a long, long time."

"No kiddin'," Harley agreed as she sat up and leaned against the headboard while holding her own forehead. "Hey...you don't think we...um...you know..."

Selina quickly shook her head, which ended up being a bit of a mistake. She rubbed her sore head as she answered the vaguely asked question.

"No I don't think so, since we still have our costumes on. But..." she paused and her eyes widened when their last conscious act came flooding back to her. "...we _did_ try to kiss each other."

"Oh," the blonde replied simple with wide, shocked eyes.

"Yeah."

They sat in a very tense, awkward silence for several long, long seconds as they processed that information. In the amidst of their musings they tried desperately not to look at each other and even when they happened to catch the other's eye the quickly looked away. After a moment or so of this, Harley finally found the courage to speak up.

"Sooo...thanks for letting me stay the night but I _really_ think I should be getting back to Mistah J now," she said as climbed out of the bed as quickly as her pounding head would allow. "He _does_ get worried about me, you know?"

"I bet," Selina muttered under her breath. A little louder she asked, "I thought you said you didn't need him?"

"Eh I was drunk," she waved off as she walked over to the table where her mask and hat lay. "You say stupid things when you're drunk. And do stupid things. Stupid things that should never be talked about again."

"You know...I'm starting to remember things a bit more clearly now and I'm pretty sure it was _your_ idea," the other woman pointed out with a slight smirk.

Harley stopped dead in her tracks then slowly turned around to face Selina with an uneasy smile on her face.

"Well...see...I was drunk and...you know...not thinking right and..." she stammered with a nervous laugh as she blindly fumbled around for her jester hat.

When her hand finally grasped something hat shaped, she snatched it up and quickly put it on her head without even worrying about fixing her hair. She then picked up her mask then started to move towards the elevator at the other end of the apartment.

"Well this was fun kitty and maybe we should do it again sometime. Just without all the...well...you know..." she said quickly.

"Uh Harley," Selina spoke with a worried expression on her face.

"No, no it's cool. I mean I know we're drunk and it's not that you're not attractive I just not sure about..._that._"

"Thanks, but it's not that it's-"

"Oh don't worry about givin' me a ride, I'll find my own way outta here."

"That's my mask!" the raven haired woman finally shouted.

Harley against stopped dead in her tracks but this time it was in front of the full length mirror near the bed to see that indeed she was wearing the other woman's cat shaped mask haphazardly on her head which clashed greatly with her clown suit. She whipped it off her head with an embarrassed squeal then tossed it over to Selina who caught it with one hand, despite her hangover. She then crawled out of the bed and walked over to the table where she exchanged her mask for Harley's hat. She walked it back over to the erratic blonde and handed it to her with an amused grin.

"Here," she said as she handed it over. "Look last night was fun for the most part and...confusing for another but I don't think we need to linger on it or get weird of it. It was just wonder of those things that happen when you have too much to drink, right?"

"Right," Harley nodded as she placed the hat on her head. "Though if I were to go _that_ way, you'd definitely be a good choice."

"Yeah, I thought we said were weren't going to talk about this," Selina remarked but then smiled a bit. "But thanks. I can say the same about you."

"Thanks."

After another awkward pause where they looked into each other's eyes perhaps a bit too long, Harley finally found her way to the service elevator and pulled back the gate to step inside.

"You sure you don't need a ride somewhere?" Selina offered.

"Nah it's cool. Like I said I got it," the blonde said as she quickly closed the gate but added, "See ya Kitty!"

"See ya Clowny!"

Selina continued to wave a bit until she was sure the elevator was back in the garage then she shook her head with an exhausted sigh.

"What a night," she muttered.

( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - )

After a quick shower at her safe house, the cat burglar switched back into the unassuming business casual clothes of animal activist Selina Kyle and drove her red sports car back to her penthouse apartment. Her head was still bothering her but she was able to make it through the late morning Gotham traffic without hitting anyone or even serving out of her lane. Actually, it was a little sad to her that even hung over she drove better than some of the sober people out there. Of course, the combination of car horns, cursing and construction did little to calm her headache. When she finally did make it back to her building, she tossed the valet the keys without a second thought and made her way towards the door as quickly as she could.

"Rough night, Ms. Kyle?" the doorman asked in overly cheery tone as he pulled the door open for her.

She just spared an irritable glare and growl as she walked into the building.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," he muttered behind her.

She readjusted the large bag on her shoulder that held her Catwoman costume as she entered the elevator, pressed the button to take her to penthouse level, then leaned against the hard, cool, faux wooden wall. Thankfully no one else got onto the elevator at any of the other floors so she wouldn't have to put up with the inane chatter people seem to want to get into while riding the thing. It wasn't soon enough for her tastes that it finally stopped and the doors opened with a soft "ding". Her heels thudded softly on the carpeted floors and for the first time she really regretted wearing them as each rhythmic step felt like another nail in her head.

Fortunately, it wasn't long before she reached her apartment and quickly ducked inside. She slipped off her heels and laid them next to the door for the time behind then let out a relaxed sigh at the peace and quite. It lasted only a second, however, when the crack of a whip and pained yelp broke through the apartment. Selina groaned as she leaned against the door for support.

"Right. Forgot about her," she mumbled.

Finding her strength again, she pulled herself off the door and made her way into the living room where she found Emily standing a few feet away from a pedestal with a small, stuffed cat sitting on top of it. She had a whip in her right hand and was dressed in a purple hoodie and jeans to avoid getting hurt too badly from the pull backs. Her long, blonde hair was pulled back into a pony tail to keep it away from her face as she stared at her target. Selina was about to make her presence known but instead decided to simply with to see what her new protege could do.

Emily narrowed her green eyes as she pulled back her right arm to ready the whip. She swung forward with all her might and the whip lashed out towards the stuffed cat. This time, however, it wrapped around the plush toy and with a quick snap of her wrist, the teenager was able to pull it back towards. Another twist unwrapped the whip which caused the cat to fall into her waiting left hand.

"Ha! I have _so _got this!" she cheered to herself.

"Don't get too cocky kid," Selina remarked even though she was smiling proudly.

Emily jumped at the surprising voice then spun around to glare at her mentor with the whip ready to strike.

"Geez! Don't _do _that!" she snarled as she tried to control her breathing again.

"Hey you gotta deal with a lot of surprising things when you're out on a heist," she said sagely.

"Really?" Emily questioned as she reset the toy. "Is that why you're getting in so late? Or early depending on how you want to look at it."

Selina frowned slightly. "Something like that, yes. I had to hold up in one of my safe houses for the night."

"Safe houses? How come _I_ don't know about these things?"

"Because _you're_ not ready yet," she shot back as she gently ruffled the girl's hair.

"Hey cut it out!" Emily protested as she pulled away.

"Sorry, couldn't help myself. So how far are you coming along?"

"Well I got this whip retrieval thing down to three tries from six. Should get it to one by the end of the day."

Again another proud smile crossed Selina's face. "Well don't push yourself too hard, that's not going to help anyone."

"Right, right," the girl nodded as she stood back in her starting position. "So we gonna try anything else today?"

That question seemed to trigger the raven haired woman's headache again and she groaned as she placed a hand on her forehead to try to sooth.

"Not today. I'm feeling...a little under the weather," she said carefully. "Just keep up with that and we'll have a day off. For now I'm going to lay down."

"What no words of wisdom from my teacher today?" Emily smirked.

"Actually yes. _Never_ get blind drunk. You'll regret it the next day."

The young blonde cocked an eyebrow as Selina merely turned and walked towards her bedroom. She closed the door behind her and flinched slightly at another whip crack but quickly recovered. She laid her bag down on a chair next to her then quickly stripped down to her underwear and practically collapsed onto her nice, big, soft bed. It was _so_ much more comfortable than the one in her safe house and would provide a better place to sleep of the rest of her hangover. As she settled into the bed she folded her arms behind her head as she thought back to the night before and this morning.

_Did I _really_ almost sleep with Harley Quinn?_ She asked herself even though she already knew the answer. _Yes I did. Which is... a little confusing. I can blame it on the alcohol as that was a _big_ factor but it wasn't like we weren't...'clicking' before we started drinking. But was it just cause we're getting to be friends or something more?_

She sighed then rolled over on her side and curled up a bit.

_I don't know_, she confessed. _It's funny how a few weeks ago the Bat Brat came to me asking these same question and I told her just to do what she thought was right. I wonder how that worked out for her anyway? _She shook her head to clear her thoughts. _What am I doing? I have my own problem to deal with. Course Harley said the same thing that I told her last night. Who cares of society thinks those kinds of relationships are wrong? All the matters is what you personally feel. So what _do_ I feel?_

She pulled the covers over her nearly naked form as she closed her eyes.

_Well for one I feel like utter crap at the moment and I need to get some more sleep. Aside from that, Harley's not bad and if I were to go gay for a women she'd be on the top of that list. Course that's not to say I'm going to. _

_Still..._

( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - ) ( - )

Harley's way of handling getting a ride out of the Gotham slum, was to carjack the first poor soul she saw. She raced recklessly through the early morning traffic, honking and screaming at all the other cars and pedestrians unfortunate enough to get in her way. Soon enough her made her way to the abandoned candy factory that the Joker was currently using as his hide out. Before she went inside she quickly fixed up her hair to fit under her jester hat then fixed up her make up and slapped on her domino mask. She got out of the car and took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves and hopefully clear up her headache. It did little to sooth either but she had done her show hung over a few times before so she was sure she could pull this off.

Once she was comfortable enough with her abilities, she walked into the factory and made her way into the main room where Joker was ranting to Punch and Judy about his latest plan to kill Batman. She tried to sneak past him quietly but she happened to step on a loose floor board which produced a loud squeaking sound that was only amplified by the nearly empty room. Joker stopped in the middle of his speech and slowly turned around to give a wild eyes glare at Harley, who stood straight up and smiled apologetically with a small wave.

"So _there_ you are!" Joker remarked as he slowly walked towards here.

"Yep. Here I am Puddin'!" Harley replied, here smile wavering a bit.

"And do you mind telling me where exactly you've _been all night_?" he snapped as he got right in her face.

She flinched a little at the volume of his voice but quickly regained her cool. She had to keep her wits about her and channel all the skills she had learned in her night school acting classes to pull off this performance. She took a few deep breaths before she began to tell her tale.

"Well, you see Puddin', I was out getting you something special from the museum when that nasty Batman showed up and ruined my little shopping spree. I managed to get away from him but I had to ditch the loot _and_ hide out all night so he wouldn't snag me and drag me back ta Arkham, but I'm here now and ready to help you get that big meanie!" she said nearly in one breath.

Joker's unsettling red eyes continued to stare at her as he seemed to think her story over. She smiled as brightly as she could, fearing she was grinding a few of her teeth, to try to stay convincing. Time slowed down to a crawl as he continued to just stare at her.

"Batman, eh?" he muttered through the side of his mouth.

"Uh huh," she nodded, causing the bells on her hat to jingle a bit.

He stared at her some more and the tension was getting go bad she was afraid she was going to snap. Just when she felt she couldn't take anymore, a wide, manically grin covered his long face and chuckled loudly.

"Yeah, that Batsy's always screwing things up for folks like us!" he proclaimed as he wrapped an arm around her and guided her to the giant dry erase board in the middle of the room. "But not to worry shnookums, ole Mistah J has the perfect plan to finally give Batsy the boot! Literally!"

As Joker went on in gleefully elaborate detail of his plan, Harley let out a barely noticeable sigh of relief that he believed her story. After all it wasn't a _complete_ lie, she just made up the part about Batman being there and left out that the place she hid was Catwoman's safe house and they spent the night drinking and talking smack on him and Batman.

_And of course that _other_ thing,_ she added mentally. _Don't know if he'd take too kindly to that and I don't want to take the risk of him hurting' me or Selina. Just cause we're having some weirdness doesn't mean I want to see her hurt. 'Course, the _really_ weird thing is that it doesn't seem that weird. I mean it's mostly bein' drunk but...well...if I _had_ go that way I wouldn't mind being with her. That part was definitely all me. But would I actually do it? _

She scrunched her face in a way to made it seem like she was trying to follow the Joker's plan rather than thinking out her sexual preferences.

_Probably so. But it's highly likely to ever come up again so it's best not to dwell on it. _

_Still..._

**The End.**

**Author's Notes: **So remember how at the end of "Knightshade" I said I wasn't going to write anything big til September? Yeah obviously that didn't pan out as well as I thought it would. Course I had a feeling I was going to write _something_ to calm the writer's shakes and this idea has been planing in the back of my mind for awhile. It just came to the forefront during the crappy work period in June where I had to escape into my mind to prevent from going on a rampage and destroy everyone and every thing I saw.

Yeah that's right, June. I didn't actually start writing this til the start of July so again it's a situation where I've been working on this for a _month_ and just now got it down. It's especially painful since this was _supposed_ to be a quick, easy thing but it kinda took on a life of it's own. Seriously I figured it'd be like 15 pages tops and in fact it went ten over there. So it turned into a full story. Mostly cause of dialogue which eats up a _lot_ of pages, but still!

So anyway, Catwoman and Harley. Yeah. I'm slashing them. Or at least ship teasing them here. The idea came to me mostly because I have Ivy with Batgirl and given how Ivy and Harley act in the comics and the old TAS I figured Harley needed _someone_ to have lesbian subtext with and the only other choice was Catwoman. What really sent me over the edge about it thought was _The Batman Strikes_ issue 45 which featured Catwoman and Harley teaming up with Batgirl to save Ivy from a living tobacco bush. It makes sense in the comic. Kinda. Anyway, the two had some really good chemistry in the issue so naturally the slash writer in me just _had_ to take it to an extreme. Besides, why _not_ pair the women with the two biggest racks on the show? Seriously, these two were just _stacked_ in "The Batman". Especially Harley.

I have to thank Zearth AKA Truckla AKA Festum AKA whatever the hell other name he has, for the title here just like I did for "Knightshade". According to him it's cause the fic involves Catwoman, hence the cat part, and Harley Quinn who has a very distinct pattern on her suit much like the patterns scene on the calico cat. Hence, "Calico". It works and is far better than anything I could come up with. Still felt it might need a little bit of explaining so there's that.

Now as for the Emily girl living with Selina? Well she firs appeared in my fic "Opportunity Breaks In" and is quickly on her way to becoming Catwoman's sidekick Catgirl. Just wanted to show a little bit of her development here as a quick side thing. And of course the conversation Catwoman had with Batgirl appeared in "Knightshade". Continuity. I has it. Hopefully it doesn't make these things _too_ dense to read. Though even if it does I'm still gonna do it cause _that's_ how I roll

Okay I see this has taken up almost a page in itself so I better caught this off now. Thanks for reading and I'll see you guys in the next fic. Whenever that will be. Might be September but since this kept me from getting all the stuff done I wanted to over the summer I don't know. We'll see.

Later.


End file.
